1. Every street has a basketball court.
2. Even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.
3. Doctors study to become nurses for employment abroad.
4. Students pay more money than they will earn afterwards.
5. School is considered the second home and the mall considered the third.
6. Call-center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses.
7. Everyone has his personal ghost story and superstition.
8. Mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered holy places.
9. Everything can be forged.
10. All kinds of animals are edible.
11. Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.
12. Driving 4 kms can take as much as four hours.
13. Flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.
14. Crossing the street involves run ning for your dear life.
15. The personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster.
16. Where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied!
17. Where 4 a.m. is not even considered bedtime yet.
18. People can pay to defy the law.
19. Everything and everyone is spoofed.
20. Where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger(peke)!
21. The honking of car horns is a way of life.
22. Being called a bum is never offensive.
23. Floodwaters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during the rainy season.
24. Where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.
25. Where wearing your national colors make you baduy.
26. Where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones. (GSM-galing sa magnanakaw)
27. Where insurance does not work.
28. Where water can only be classified as tap and dirty.
29. Clean water is for sale (35 pesos per gallon).
30. Where the government makes the people pray for miracles. (Amen to that!)
31. Where University of the Philippines is where all the weird people go.
32. Ateneo is where all the nerds go.
33. La Salle is where all the Chinese go.
34. College of Saint Benilde is where all the stupid Chinese go and;
35. University of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people go.
36. Fast food is a diet meal.
37. Traffic signs are merely suggestions, not regulations.
38. Where being mugged is normal and It happens to everyone.
39. Rodents are normal house pets.
40. The definition of traffic is the 'non-movement' of vehicles.
41. Where the fighter planes of the 1940s are used for military engagements
42. The new fighter planes are displayed in museums.
43. Where cigarettes and alcohol are a necessity, and where the lottery is a commodity.
44. Where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news provides the drama.
45. Where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the entertainment.
46. People can get away with stealing trillions of pesos but not a thousand.
47. Where being an hour late is still considered punctual (Grabe talaga 'to!)
48. Where the squatters have more to complain (even if they do not pay their tax) - than those employed and have their tax automatically deducted from their salaries.
49. And where everyone wants to leave the country!
FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT:
1. The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.
2. Anita Bakery
3. A 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night
4. Barber shop called Felix The Cut;
5. A bakery named Bread Pitt
6. Fast-food place selling 'maruya' (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey.
7. Then, there are Christopher Plumbing
8. A boutique called The Way We Wear
9. A video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental
10. A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken
11. A local burger restaurant called Mang Donald's
12. A doughnut shop called MacDonuts
13. A shop selling 'lumpia' (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll
14. And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to
unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish' (The
Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy
Filipino such as:
15. At a restaurant menu in Cebu "We hab sopdrink in can an in batol"
[translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
16. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises -
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but
they are usually so entertai ning that it would be a mistake to 'correct'
them like.......
17. In a restaurant in Baguio City , the 'summer capital' of the
Philippines : " Wanted: Boy Waitress"
18. On a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern Antique Furniture"
19. On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : "We Shoot You WhileYou Wait"
20. And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila : "Wanted:
Waiter, Cashier, Washier".
Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:
21. A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: "We Sell Imported
Robber Shoes" (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);
22. A rental property sign in Jaro reads: "House For Rent, Fully Furnaced"
(it must really be hot inside)!
23. Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique - if
not altogether odd. City in southern Philippines which said: "Adults: 1
peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation" .
24. European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops
selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia -
which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and
Mr. Po respectively - (believe it or not)!
25. Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient.
"The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than
just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new
words, "says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign .....House
Fersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will
do?
26. According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit
in the Philippines because "We are a country where a good sense of humor
is needed to survive". We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the
government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians
and bad actors.
Now I ask you, where else in the world would one want to live?
Monday, July 28, 2008
...Joke Joke Joke...
Loving Wife...this wife can be an example to all of us
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."
-----------
IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.
PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifiying glass.
REGALO:
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo,ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.
SI GINO:
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: ******* ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang
kabaklaan mo!
TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!
CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.
FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hanggang ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!
SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.
PAGOD DAW.....
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!
ESTUDYANTE:
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!
AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!
PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!
PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.
AMPON:
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!
ANG SULAT:
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...
LIIT NAMAN:
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
DOWNY:
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!
HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...
MADRE:
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!
RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreyp sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."
-----------
IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.
PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifiying glass.
REGALO:
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo,ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.
SI GINO:
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: ******* ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang
kabaklaan mo!
TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!
CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.
FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hanggang ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!
SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.
PAGOD DAW.....
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!
ESTUDYANTE:
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!
AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!
PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!
PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.
AMPON:
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!
ANG SULAT:
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...
LIIT NAMAN:
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
DOWNY:
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!
HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...
MADRE:
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!
RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreyp sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa
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